Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The Crows Teaching

The other day my daughter and I were in the car together. Suddenly she says, "Mommy, look at that!" I looked and saw a crow flying with an awkwardly long stick. It was an incredible sight as this crow seemed to be struggling to ascend to the high spot in the tree where he was apparently building a nest. That was certainly going to be some nest based on the size of that stick! Flying at a somewhat sideways tilt the strong bird eventually made it up to it's nest and contentedly placed the stick, adjusted and moved it around until it was perfect.

Witnessing this spectacle brought to mind the struggle my husband feels in making our home perfect. I am speaking most specifically to the financial burden he appears to carry like the long and awkward stick the crow brought to it's home. After all, foundation is foundation whether it is a sturdy stick or a steady paycheck.

We recently have had the experience of not having enough sticks to strengthen our nest. Shortly after moving into our new home I had surgery followed two weeks later by my husband needing emergency surgery. Yep, this has been the grand daddy of relationship tests! Both of us incapacitated to some degree and then toss in the no paycheck for a month and you've got a potent brew!

In years past I relied solely on his ability to pay the bills on time and juggle where it was needed,
happy to stand in the background of all that stress. Last year though it occurred to me that if I were to expect financial abundance I might be better served by sharing this load with him,
by accepting responsibility for getting this task done. It was time for me to become financially responsible and accountable.

This was not without effort as my past was littered with such unseemly events as bankruptcy and eviction. Yes, the bankruptcy was 20 years ago and the eviction was at the end of my tumultuous first marriage but the emotional scars I felt of being "bad" were as fresh as they were two decades ago. Somehow the deep link of a high credit score and a safe and cozy nest remained precarious due to the lingering emotional baggage I unconsciously clung to. I too could relate to that strong and determined crow trying to fly upwards carrying an uneven load. Life is an uneven load isn't it? It is in our willingness to be agile and flexible that we can balance our emotions and our lives.

Our willingness has certainly been put to the test over the last couple of months. My surgery was to include a month of recovery which was cut short by over half when my husband was suddenly off his feet for 2 months! Talk about carrying a big stick! In these past two months I have assumed the role of Financial Goddess and you know what? It hasn't been as painful as I remember! Maybe these last several years of working on myself are showing up in my evolution of being able to step into my husband's big boots and assure him that our nest is safe and secure.
Maybe the divine lesson in this all has been for us both to seek and achieve a deeper understanding of the burdens the other bears and to recommit to our partnership. I know that I feel a greater appreciation for the many years of my husband being willing to carry the stress of the finances and I feel great happiness to see what a relief it is for him to feel my support.
It's nice to know I can carry the big stick and land securely in my cozy nest.

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