Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Mortality vs. Faith

Have you ever had surgery? You know, you go into the doc and they casually tell you
you need surgery and it will all be great! So you're swept up in the awesome
wave of - this is going to make EVERYTHING ALL BETTER! And you float away on the dreamy little cloud to go home and make arrangements for all things to be cared for
during your recovery.
Then it happens...a little voice in the back of your head says; "What if I don't wake up?" I hope this does not or has not happened to you but it did for me, big time.
Each time that little voice of fear (that was really not so little) reared it's ugly head I focused on what I will be able to do with my new hip - hiking, playing at the beach, rock hunting, wearing pretty girl shoes, the list goes on and on. I knew the
mechanism I needed in place to help me get through all this negativity was to focus
on what I wanted and that I did.
The voice was persistent. I found myself examining my children's and husbands
world without me. I was thankful that we had recently gotten a life insurance policy on me, at least he could pay off our debt but what about my babies and my husband? How would my mother cope? I want to see my grand babies darn it! I want to see my sons mature into the incredible men that I know they are becoming! I need to see my daughter mature into the powerhouse of a woman I am positive she will be! As for my husband, I am not ready to let go of the depth and maturity our marriage has been blessed with in the recent years...still the voice persisted.
After about 5 weeks of this mental torture I sat down at the computer and wrote my husband a letter, it was my "If I don't wake up letter". As I wrote my wishes the image of me laying in a recovery room at the hospital became clearer and clearer though I still had my doubts. Writing the letter, saying goodbye without saying goodbye was incredibly sad. I sobbed uncontrollably. Strangely when I felt I had said all that I needed to say I felt that sense you get when depression has just left, I felt sunshine inside my mind and lightness inside my heart. I saved and closed the file and walked away knowing that this was all that I could do and it was
done.
The week before surgery I was sitting in the steam room at the gym and had a visit from a woman who has passed away about 7 years ago, her name is Micah. I asked her if I was going to die during the surgery and she very casually said, "No, your clock is still running." Then she showed me that on the top of my head a clock was running,
like the one on Alice in Wonderland that has both hands spinning round and round. Oh, OK, my clock is still running then.
Being a spiritual and faithful woman, experiencing this plane of fear rattled my faith - for a minute, OK, a month! Now that I am on this side of the surgery and very much still "here", I know and trust that the exercise I went through to get to the surgery will be a lesson that will be useful somewhere down the road. Now, I'm going to delete my letter.
Have a wonderful day!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

It's all about receiving

My very first psychic mentor, Pam, was perhaps one of the biggest gifts I have received in this lifetime. At the time she fell into my life I was terribly unhappy and struggling to make my marriage work. By struggling I mean that I was spinning my wheels as quickly as I could and still feeling as though I needed to do more.
It felt as though no matter how clean the house was, how well I cared for the kids,
how thin I was, how cheerful I was, nothing was good enough. Whether this was literally true or not, this was how I felt.
I learned so much from Pam that still, 15 years later I find myself remembering specific moments with her where I reached such clarity and truth that I knew
there would be no turning back. The moment I made the committment to learn as much as I could from this generous and wise friend all the rules changed.
As it is with your favorite or most influential teacher there are key phrases that will ring through your consciousness 'til the end of time. One of Pam's frequent
and enduring truths was this: "It's all about receiving".
To be honest, in the beginning I didn't know exactly what she meant however over the years of our friendship it became alarmingly and sharply clear that that which we identify as a problem stems from our ability or inability or willingness or unwillingness to receive.
Last year I saw client after client brace up to make strong choices to leave abusive relationships whether it was a marriage, friendship or job, it seemed to be the overriding theme for 2008. It was incredible to be a part of the process and amazing
to witness the blossoming which can only occur when one is set free from the bondage
of abuse. Many people are unaware that they are in an abusive relationship, as I was myself.
As clear as it appears to friends and family that we are being mistreated, the recipient of abuse cannot see the forest for the trees. Abuse clouds and torques
our perception of who we are and what we "deserve". We pray for a "good" day, or a "pleasant meal" in which there will be no criticism, or profanity and like a starving child take the scraps of the few good moments that come our way. In the end, unless a beam of light energy makes its way into our consciousness, we feel powerless to change our situation.
The angels are delivered but do we receive them? The angels to free us, to give us wings arrive sometimes unnoticed. Do we refuse their love and support? Or is it simply so unbelievable that help has come our way we have no concept on how to receive
or let them in?
Have you ever received a compliment only to reject the gift by arguing with the giver?
"No, I haven't lost any weight,I am not pretty, not, not, not..." Who's eyes were you viewing yourself through? We owe it to ourselves to begin on a very basic level to receive. My Mom always told me to "Just say thank you honey." when I was given a compliment. Our inner evolution shows up to the world vibrationally prior to us knowing we have grown!
We respond to one another vibrationally which means, if your vibration has shifted
and someone notices it, that is a huge validation to you! Receive it! Let it in!
It means that the work you have been doing whether outwardly seeking counsel, being
in silent prayer or any other method of healing is working!
The Law of Attraction says, "What we think about, we bring about." If your thoughts
have been on improving your life and someone compliments (notices your shift) that keeps the ball rolling! If you refuse the gift you have just taken two steps backwards. Hummm, let's see, what feels better?
Culturally we have been trained to be modest. Yes, times are changing and
our daughters will have an easier time with this than we do! In the mean time,
consider that your life to this point has been a series of lessons. Some of them we "get" and some we "get to repeat"! What's the difference? The difference lies
in our willingness to receive the lesson, to receive the growth and to accept responsibility for it all! It takes practice my friends, and we may well practice
until we are complete on this planet. I encourage you, today, to receive -
even the smallest validation whether it is external or intuitive, that you are indeed
loved beyond measure and greater than you have ever let yourself believe. I believe in you, your greatness and I believe in love. Love to you today and all days.