Have you ever had surgery? You know, you go into the doc and they casually tell you
you need surgery and it will all be great! So you're swept up in the awesome
wave of - this is going to make EVERYTHING ALL BETTER! And you float away on the dreamy little cloud to go home and make arrangements for all things to be cared for
during your recovery.
Then it happens...a little voice in the back of your head says; "What if I don't wake up?" I hope this does not or has not happened to you but it did for me, big time.
Each time that little voice of fear (that was really not so little) reared it's ugly head I focused on what I will be able to do with my new hip - hiking, playing at the beach, rock hunting, wearing pretty girl shoes, the list goes on and on. I knew the
mechanism I needed in place to help me get through all this negativity was to focus
on what I wanted and that I did.
The voice was persistent. I found myself examining my children's and husbands
world without me. I was thankful that we had recently gotten a life insurance policy on me, at least he could pay off our debt but what about my babies and my husband? How would my mother cope? I want to see my grand babies darn it! I want to see my sons mature into the incredible men that I know they are becoming! I need to see my daughter mature into the powerhouse of a woman I am positive she will be! As for my husband, I am not ready to let go of the depth and maturity our marriage has been blessed with in the recent years...still the voice persisted.
After about 5 weeks of this mental torture I sat down at the computer and wrote my husband a letter, it was my "If I don't wake up letter". As I wrote my wishes the image of me laying in a recovery room at the hospital became clearer and clearer though I still had my doubts. Writing the letter, saying goodbye without saying goodbye was incredibly sad. I sobbed uncontrollably. Strangely when I felt I had said all that I needed to say I felt that sense you get when depression has just left, I felt sunshine inside my mind and lightness inside my heart. I saved and closed the file and walked away knowing that this was all that I could do and it was
The week before surgery I was sitting in the steam room at the gym and had a visit from a woman who has passed away about 7 years ago, her name is Micah. I asked her if I was going to die during the surgery and she very casually said, "No, your clock is still running." Then she showed me that on the top of my head a clock was running,
like the one on Alice in Wonderland that has both hands spinning round and round. Oh, OK, my clock is still running then.
Being a spiritual and faithful woman, experiencing this plane of fear rattled my faith - for a minute, OK, a month! Now that I am on this side of the surgery and very much still "here", I know and trust that the exercise I went through to get to the surgery will be a lesson that will be useful somewhere down the road. Now, I'm going to delete my letter.
Have a wonderful day!