Monday, August 2, 2010

Where have I been?

I have not written a blog in 4 months? Wow, where have I been? Good question. I am somewhere past mid-point of a major life change.

In the event of a major life change the temptation or result, regardless of your intent, is to disconnect or disappear. In my case, I disconnected from my life as I knew it.

Out of respect to all concerned, I choose not to disclose the intimate details of this shift but rather to address this from the perspective of the potential for growth which has been created as a result.

I have spent the majority of my life proving my worth to the world in the form of tasks; cooking, cleaning, laundering, you get the picture. Somewhere I decided that the only value I brought to a relationship was the number of tasks I could perform, or the extreme kindness I could show another. Seemed reasonable to me that task based value was a decent system for self-worth. Yup, only thing is...all those tasks I did for others had a built in backfire that goes a little like this: When one person assumes that they must do many tasks to be loved, to have value, to prove anything, one of the fancy little side-effects is that everyone becomes dependent on them, you know, for everything! For dinner, dishes, laundry, activities, heart filling, feeling mending, relationship uplifting, car washing, that's right, the list does not end, it is infinite. I added to it with such regularity I do not even know when I became lost to my good intentions.

I created an insatiable hungry beast. I realize now, that I do not have a lot of information on how to un-create it. How does one go about the process of unwinding decades of training that always said, "leave it to me, count on me, I'll do it...etc." How do you disconnect without having the recipients of your good intentions feel abandoned and betrayed. Yup, it's a mess and I did it. Now, with the very same good intentions I strive to turn all that good will back on to me.

In this disconnect process I am looking at forgiveness, that would be, to forgive myself. When I made that decision somewhere in my history that said I only had value based on my tasks, I betrayed my only true ally in life - myself. The basic message was that how could anyone love me if I don't wash their socks? Why would anyone want to be with me? Just me? I constructed all these mechanisms that would somehow buy me love...

This self-esteem issue did not stem from a brutal childhood, I was raised by 2 parents who were in love with each other and wanted to have me. I was not abused or mistreated at a young age, there was no "real" reason that I should think so little of myself, I just did. Until now, I did not know that I am loveable just by taking my next breath, just by being here.

It is true that I may have partnered with people here and there,that took a toll on my self-esteem however, I have not ever been a victim. I entered into relationships, played out my role of the one who could only be loved for the tasks I could perform and got what I asked for, conditional love.

I blame no one, not even myself. I understand that we are love seeking beings and in that I find my innocence. In that, perhaps I can find the wisdom that will allow me to simply be. To stand still and allow love to find me.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Shifting tides

I can't say for sure how it all started, where the stirring began. Was it out of the blue? No, it had been an under current for quite some time.

As I sit here alone, very alone, the reality of what is occurring strikes me to the core. Life is changing. I am changing.

Fear begins an inevitable ascent from my belly, through my heart where it wrenches
and twists and begs the question...what are you doing? Where did this come from?
Climbing up through my throat where my words choke, my truth screams but no voice
is heard, I am silent in my process.

The fear, the flame which has burned through my soul reaches my mind causing confusion
and chaos. I face the burning ache of an inconvenient truth. My mind fights a battle between confusion and clarity.

The balm to my soul is knowing that the base of all this emotion is a base of truth.
Not only mine but the other persons as well. We both have our truths, we both believe in them and that is perfect. If I have learned anything of vital importance in this lifetime it is that we all have the right to hold our own truth as sacred. The feelings and thoughts that we possess are personal and intimate and I have no right to make any effort to dissuade another from their beliefs. We were born with free will that is indisputable and incorruptible.

The choices from this day forward must be based in mutual respect to preserve our free will and sacred truth. To stick by the story that was flawed from the start will only create a repeat of this cycle.

The mind seeks right action and truth, stepping into this truth brings results though a pocket of fear remains. We can transmute the fear into energy. Pure energy, as pure love drives us forward through the tough thickets of life to a clearing. Sometimes pure love is taking the path through an unhappy truth to honor the individual core belief we each hold.

These words are stones on my path of learning how to be honest with myself. To be open when someone points out where I have lacked the fortitude to admit an unhappy truth. I don't know that I will ever like this process but I do pray that I soften my resistance and fore go the hurt and feelings of betrayal these events create. This is not an uncommon thing in relationship, we each hold our side of the story with our own perceptions and interpretations of the other. Maintaining this holding pattern can go on for weeks, months and years weaving distrust into the fiber of our relationship. It is for us to decide, upon recognition, what direction to take the relationship, or perhaps to acknowledge that you have gone as far as you can go together.

Be true to yourself, be kind in your thoughts and be thoughtful in your actions and keep the faith. This is not all for nothing, there is a greater and deeper love available in being painfully honest with yourself.

So, one step in front of the other, here we go.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Don't Quit Your Day Job

Two months ago I started a day job. Well technically yes, I did already have a day job but with over half my clients either out of work, bankrupt or losing their homes business was decidedly s l o w.

The preceding years of doing psychic readings had begun to wear on my spirit- though willing to continue to be busier seeing clients I cannot lie, there was a part of me saying...I need a break.

It may surprise you how many people come to me wanting to know when someone is going to die? Crazy stuff, broke my heart repeatedly to be asked this particular question. There was frequently a hint of ... "when will so and so die because I want/need my inheritance." Ewww, yeah, that's how it felt more times than I care to mention. Careful not to interfere with the proceedings of the soul in question and their own contract with God I generally deferred this question with a pat answer of "That is between them and God." I consider that to be none of any ones business.

Twenty years ago when I began studying the whole metaphysical realm I felt that giving readings would be an honor, I still feel that way. It is an honor to be invited into the intimate and most private realms of peoples lives. In all these years it amazes me that people trust me with their deep darkness, it is an honor, blessing and source of fuel to power my desire to keep going.

My spirit however, was experiencing overwhelm. How many parents of children who passed had I counseled? How many children lost their parents without emotional healing and closure? How many tragic automobile accidents, divorces, affairs, births, deaths, wins, losses have I witnessed thru clients? I have no clue but I did have a very real sense that I needed a break.

Synchronicity, my favorite bit of magic appeared last November with an email from my sister-in-law. Denise told me about her Financial Advisor needing an administrative person for the new office he was moving to. She told me that the whole time he was talking she kept seeing my face! Admittedly I was nervous at the prospect of leaving my clients and returning to a 9-5 job. I called the man immediately though worried about the immense change in lifestyle this opportunity presented.

We met December 23rd at the office in Larkspur. As I walked up the stairs to the office and looked down at the carpet I heard a little voice say, "You're going to be seeing a lot of this carpet."

The interview lasted an hour and I walked away knowing that it was a perfect match.
A few weeks later I was called back for a second interview again leaving knowing in my heart this was the place for me to be. Despite my fears of being gone from home more than I have been during my entire relationship with my husband, we both knew that our financial situation was in dire need of reinforcement! The job offer came and with great joy I realized that I had somehow beat the odds and gotten this gift of opportunity at a time when good jobs are at a premium. What a blessing.

The great and good fortune lies in the fact that I have continued to see as many clients as I was seeing but somehow, I do not feel the overwhelm and exhaustion. Somehow the addition of the job has rejuvenated my soul to continue to be of service both out in the world and in my private practice.

There is wonderful satisfaction at being a part of the world out there and still being welcomed by my clients to their inner world. So, as I ventured out with fear and trepidation at returning to work I realized that I did not have to quit my day job after all, it just switched places.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Staring down 50

Here it comes, whether I like it or not, 50...the big 5 0.

A couple of weeks ago I was getting a root canal, it was lovely. They had a monitor near my head with my personal information on it and my age said "49". Huh...that doesn't seem right and when I saw it on the screen it seemed way too old. I make no secret about it, I didn't like it.

As a younger version of myself I had visions of who and where I would be by this time.
Oh yes, I would probably be self-assured, successful and of course have buns of steal.
And this measure of success comes from what? I have no idea what 50 means other than half a century, 18,250 days on the planet, 438,000 hours alive?

What? 438,000 hours? That makes me wonder, if I were to take an accounting of how I spent those hours, would I be able to consider myself successful? Have I made good use of those many, many hours?

First I guess we would need to establish what success means. Success at 50 is a different animal than success at 40. By now our kids are getting fairly self-sufficient - we hope. How did I do with my children?

Good question, how did I do with my children? I guess we could ask them - I know that through my 2 decades of being Mom they have taught me how to be a better person; how to show up, why to show up, when to show up. Their training sounded something like this "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy...Julie!" Yes, they taught me to show up, bless their sweet little persistent hearts.

The inner realm of 50, my relationships, can I claim success?
In my lifetime I had established myself as the wise friend and consciously or unconsciously fostered dependency on me. As I zoom in on 50 I find an inexplicable willingness to restructure my relationships. When I wove myself in and through my peoples lives and made myself part of their structure I gave two messages.
The first was, "If you need me, and I am a part of your structure, then I must have value." Lovely. The second message was, "I do not trust you to figure your life out for yourself so I will insert myself here so that you do not fall." Double lovely.
Had I known at the time I was emitting these insecure and unfaithful messages would I have done it differently? Of course not, this was my manner of learning.

I find that today, 78 days before I surrender to my fifth decade on the planet I am willing to release those fragile perceptions that I was in control. There is a willingness in my heart to let go, let God. It's a ton of work to manage energy that you have no control over changing! There is a beauty in this surrender I am experiencing, the beauty that life can be a whole lot easier than I had constructed it to be.

So, staring down 50, am I successful? Is there any measure beyond the clarity and peace in my heart that decides this? Not for me. The success I claim is that I continue to be willing to look in to me, rather than out at you to determine if I measure up. Today, I feel that buns of steal or not, I am a success.