I can't say for sure how it all started, where the stirring began. Was it out of the blue? No, it had been an under current for quite some time.
As I sit here alone, very alone, the reality of what is occurring strikes me to the core. Life is changing. I am changing.
Fear begins an inevitable ascent from my belly, through my heart where it wrenches
and twists and begs the question...what are you doing? Where did this come from?
Climbing up through my throat where my words choke, my truth screams but no voice
is heard, I am silent in my process.
The fear, the flame which has burned through my soul reaches my mind causing confusion
and chaos. I face the burning ache of an inconvenient truth. My mind fights a battle between confusion and clarity.
The balm to my soul is knowing that the base of all this emotion is a base of truth.
Not only mine but the other persons as well. We both have our truths, we both believe in them and that is perfect. If I have learned anything of vital importance in this lifetime it is that we all have the right to hold our own truth as sacred. The feelings and thoughts that we possess are personal and intimate and I have no right to make any effort to dissuade another from their beliefs. We were born with free will that is indisputable and incorruptible.
The choices from this day forward must be based in mutual respect to preserve our free will and sacred truth. To stick by the story that was flawed from the start will only create a repeat of this cycle.
The mind seeks right action and truth, stepping into this truth brings results though a pocket of fear remains. We can transmute the fear into energy. Pure energy, as pure love drives us forward through the tough thickets of life to a clearing. Sometimes pure love is taking the path through an unhappy truth to honor the individual core belief we each hold.
These words are stones on my path of learning how to be honest with myself. To be open when someone points out where I have lacked the fortitude to admit an unhappy truth. I don't know that I will ever like this process but I do pray that I soften my resistance and fore go the hurt and feelings of betrayal these events create. This is not an uncommon thing in relationship, we each hold our side of the story with our own perceptions and interpretations of the other. Maintaining this holding pattern can go on for weeks, months and years weaving distrust into the fiber of our relationship. It is for us to decide, upon recognition, what direction to take the relationship, or perhaps to acknowledge that you have gone as far as you can go together.
Be true to yourself, be kind in your thoughts and be thoughtful in your actions and keep the faith. This is not all for nothing, there is a greater and deeper love available in being painfully honest with yourself.
So, one step in front of the other, here we go.