Monday, August 2, 2010

Where have I been?

I have not written a blog in 4 months? Wow, where have I been? Good question. I am somewhere past mid-point of a major life change.

In the event of a major life change the temptation or result, regardless of your intent, is to disconnect or disappear. In my case, I disconnected from my life as I knew it.

Out of respect to all concerned, I choose not to disclose the intimate details of this shift but rather to address this from the perspective of the potential for growth which has been created as a result.

I have spent the majority of my life proving my worth to the world in the form of tasks; cooking, cleaning, laundering, you get the picture. Somewhere I decided that the only value I brought to a relationship was the number of tasks I could perform, or the extreme kindness I could show another. Seemed reasonable to me that task based value was a decent system for self-worth. Yup, only thing is...all those tasks I did for others had a built in backfire that goes a little like this: When one person assumes that they must do many tasks to be loved, to have value, to prove anything, one of the fancy little side-effects is that everyone becomes dependent on them, you know, for everything! For dinner, dishes, laundry, activities, heart filling, feeling mending, relationship uplifting, car washing, that's right, the list does not end, it is infinite. I added to it with such regularity I do not even know when I became lost to my good intentions.

I created an insatiable hungry beast. I realize now, that I do not have a lot of information on how to un-create it. How does one go about the process of unwinding decades of training that always said, "leave it to me, count on me, I'll do it...etc." How do you disconnect without having the recipients of your good intentions feel abandoned and betrayed. Yup, it's a mess and I did it. Now, with the very same good intentions I strive to turn all that good will back on to me.

In this disconnect process I am looking at forgiveness, that would be, to forgive myself. When I made that decision somewhere in my history that said I only had value based on my tasks, I betrayed my only true ally in life - myself. The basic message was that how could anyone love me if I don't wash their socks? Why would anyone want to be with me? Just me? I constructed all these mechanisms that would somehow buy me love...

This self-esteem issue did not stem from a brutal childhood, I was raised by 2 parents who were in love with each other and wanted to have me. I was not abused or mistreated at a young age, there was no "real" reason that I should think so little of myself, I just did. Until now, I did not know that I am loveable just by taking my next breath, just by being here.

It is true that I may have partnered with people here and there,that took a toll on my self-esteem however, I have not ever been a victim. I entered into relationships, played out my role of the one who could only be loved for the tasks I could perform and got what I asked for, conditional love.

I blame no one, not even myself. I understand that we are love seeking beings and in that I find my innocence. In that, perhaps I can find the wisdom that will allow me to simply be. To stand still and allow love to find me.

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