The Hero of Your Heart

Here we are, half way 2011, how is your year so far? In spite of a series of difficult years with unbelievable twists and turns, I continue to greet each year with optimism. I know this year will be better because, well, it has to! First we lost our jobs and our savings, then our homes then our good credit ratings - gone! Now peeled down to the basic necessities of life, time with our family, our people, became the treasure we lost financially. Vacations have become stay-cations and we spent more time with people closest to us however, there is the old saying, "familiarity breeds contempt", and that it has. Too much time together seems to magnify everything that bothers us about the other.

What happened then? Suffering financial instability brought up core fears.  We question our ability to survive, we feel socially vulnerable at suffering such material loss. Our pain and humiliation mutates and spews out at others in the form of judgment. Does fear produce judgment or does judgment produce fear?

Today's issues are of the heart. Time to work on the really juicy stuff - judgment and criticism! Isn't it fun? Of course it isn't. My heart was broken when I learned that someone close and trusted was judging me in private and acting loving to my face. Is that because it's just easier than being honest? I think so. This must be a beautiful opportunity to be judged and feel such sadness.

The truth is, this sadness is a beautiful opportunity. It is perfect because in the second half of my life, I have a renewed commitment to be that change I wish to see in the world. My pain from judgment is likely the same as yours. Judgment I hold is not different than judgment held on me. It is time to make choices, on purpose and out loud. Time to make righteous choices about the purity of the vibration I am sending and harboring.

One of the great teachers of our time, Caroline Myss describes judgment as the most harmful vibration, something like a curse. How does it feel when you have passed judgment? At first powerful, immediately followed by justification all wrapped up in denial. We’re just calling it like we see it, it is the truth after all. I’m not judging, I’m just being honest, and you know, if you can’t take a little constructive criticism…on and on and on.

Judgment not only hurts the one being judged, it hurts us to hold it. When we embody judgment what it says is...I am so afraid that someone might see through me that I must deflect my sense lack toward someone else. The best defense is a good offense right? Not in life, not in relationships. Choosing to hold judgment takes a toll on us physically, emotionally and spiritually. We must be impeccable in our thoughts and words and we must do it on purpose. Whatever judgment we hold will be held in our bodies and souls leaving a wake of broken relationships and soiled communications.

Join me in staring down the coward inside that wants it to be about everyone else.  It is time to reunite with the hero of your heart that wants nothing more than unconditional love. Let's do it, it's time. Be the hero of your heart.

Julie "Less Than" Has Left The Building

I don't know how I could have been so naive, or maybe it wasn't naive, maybe it was distracted?  Was I distracted or do I really lack initiative and common sense?  I did not realize that while I was stumbling through last year I was treading on those close to me. 

Something I have known over the years is that there are times when I am slow on getting things.   I hesitate saying so because those coming to me for readings have some expectation that I have all the answers and live in an amazing "got-it-all-together" life. I apologize for bursting your bubble if you are of this belief.  I am just me, Julie, learning as I go.

I have learned along the way. The challenges and difficulties I have waded through and overcome have taught me how to step forward into each new day and each new lesson.  I bless each sunrise as my opportunity to do-over that which I have failed to do to my satisfaction the day before.

Much to my surprise last fall, it was brought to my attention that I had become less than helpful, that I would not only not step-up to the plate to help clean-up, but if I did help I would claim some "mysterious" pain and stop helping.  I was utterly shocked - standing there with dish pan hands...really? I don't help enough?  Oh. 

This accusation knocked my legs out from under me.  I was in disbelief and crushed that this feeling of my lack had obviously been discussed with others but not with me.

Here is my truth.  Last year I ended my marriage, a 15 year relationship. Last year, I started a "real" job 5 days a week that includes a difficult commute.  I stopped working-out in part because of the job but also because I started having chronic pain in the leg that just got a new hip the year before.  Both of my sons left home to begin their lives out in the world.  It was a year of colossal change for me, maybe they are right.  Maybe I have dropped the ball these last several months, I certainly felt out of sorts.

My experience has shown that when someone feel strongly about something, their feeling stems from a spark of truth. There may be lots of superfluous details surrounding it, but there is a basis of truth. I strive to embrace that truth and not throw myself headlong into a defensive, reactive state.  Easier said than done when you're already twirling around in a new ungrounded reality and a life that is changing at an alarming rate.  In the past, I have considered it a downfall of mine to bow down to others uncharitable opinions of me, to take their judgment to heart and accept my position as "less than".  It's not uncommon I know, many of us are in good company in the "less than" category. 

Something changed for me last year, well many things changed.  I turned 50.  It's a number - a biggish number that somehow granted me permission to lift myself up from "less than" and strive to at least be equal to.  Not only did I give myself permission to be equal to, I also evolved my terms of engagement.  I reject "less than".  Julie "Less Than" has left the building.  Don't come looking for her and expect her to be the bigger person and suck it up when you want to dump on her - it ain't gonna happen. 

This propping up did not happen overnight - it was a full 50 years in the making.  How many times have I made excuses for another persons bad behavior or maltreatment of me?  How many times had I made it right or OK for someone to disrespect or degrade me?  So many times - weekly, daily - hourly.  I'm done.  That's it.  Or so I thought.

 A new attack from another corner.  Apparently I have no common sense and do not understand people.  Wow.  Crushed, humiliated, demoralized.  It wasn't the harshest thing anyone had ever said but it stung.  Did I mention that 5 days prior I had to have an ovary removed?  Another story for another day.  Suffice it to say I wasn't in my best form when this blow was leveled.  What happened next was a deep level of release of Julie "Less Than".  Tears flowed, for hours.  I could not stop them, they came, for days.  It became very clear that in my desire to honor their truth I had given up my right to believe in my own goodness.  I had forsaken myself.
Maybe I did walk away from doing dishes, maybe common sense isn't my strongest quality, I do not agree but I am not looking at me through their eyes.  Could it be that these observations and judgments on me were a calling to my soul? A call to recognize and claim who I know myself to be?  Was this happening to help me forward in my life growth? Of course it is, it always is. It's never for nothing.  When I reflect on who I perceive myself to be in the world, I know from my heart, I do the best I can with what I have in that moment.  I believe in my goodness, I accept that I may appear something other than that to you.  Your opinion of me is none of my business.  You are free to hold me in whatever light you deem appropriate, it is your choice.

Likewise, it is my choice to hold myself in the light I deem appropriate.  I am a work in progress.  Some edges are rough, but many are smooth.  I promise to continue to search for the spark of truth in your assessment of me though I will not apologize to you for your opinion of me.  I promise to me, that I will be faithful to who I know myself to be and I will no longer dwell in the land of "less than".  If you see yourself in these words, won't you join me?  Drop me a note and tell me your story, I would love to hear from you. 

Thank you for sharing this personal moment on my path.  May you be and feel truly blessed.

P.S. Peace has been renewed in all relationships mentioned above, my people are awesome.

Our Friend Darren

Yesterday I attended a memorial service to honor a man who left a profound mark on our community. I did not stand up to speak then but would like to share these words.

There was a large crowd, well over 200. In listening to the many memories of Darren and the many good deeds he had done, I learned of the legacy and gift of Darren's time here among us. I heard story after story of how Darren showed up and made things happen, literally. He created a softball program and state of the art facility for his daughter’s high school with elbow grease and I'm guessing his boyish charm. His fellow coaches could not say enough about their friend that would miraculously appear with whatever was needed to manifest this dream. Whether it was a bull dozer or back hoe, Darren somehow showed up with the supplies and equipment needed to make this dream field a reality. He wasn't only involved in softball. Darren showed up for games and performances for each of his 5 children, from ballet to football to softball. He showed up.

Grown men cried, their grief overwhelming, their loyalty and friendship to Darren and his family, resounding. What has Darren taught us?

A picture his lifetime was painted in words and emotion. As a child Darren spent the school year in Healdsburg and summers in Hawaii with his Mom. In what sounded like a wonderful and carefree childhood had to have been at least a bit difficult moving around so. Darren spent time living with many families that still call him brother. The one thing he truly wanted in his life, was a big family. He succeeded in creating a big family, one that went well beyond blood lines.

The net he wove of tasks and deeds earned him respect, but he did more. The tasks were not Darren, the magic was. He brought people together to build dreams and then make them come true. Looking in, it seems apparent that he worked at connecting many people’s lives to create that very big family.

One of his daughters said to me, "I don't even know these people." Feeling, perhaps, lost among this sea of people, strangers who all showed up out of their love for her father. I felt sad for her. Grief is so personal and she seemed uncomfortable at having to share this symbolic goodbye with strangers. Maybe I am wrong, and she too was overwhelmed by the overflow of love.

As the stories continued and folks pointed upwards in reference to him I was soothed by the feeling that he was not above us but rather among us. He wasn't watching over us, he was milling around with a beer in one hand and a Jello shot in the other.

My work brings those in mourning, those with a desire to know if their loved ones are safe, if they are ok. Two constant messages from the other side to loved ones are, "Only my body is gone.", and "The pain I knew is gone, I am at peace." I trust this is true for Darren. A man who asked for nothing and endured pain we know nothing of, is thank God, without pain. We are the ones with pain, not Darren.

What is the legacy of Darren's too short time here among us? Darren fostered enduring relationships and loyalty that will hold his family in their grief and allow them to heal and grow through it. The seeds of generosity that Darren planted will grow through his children and they will feel his love through their community for many years to come.

Darren literally created the softball community. He coached a generation of young women who I believe, saw the example of a "real man". Darren’s physical and intellectual strength, a productive disposition that did not whine and complain showed those girls that you can make something out of nothing. Darren got things done, all with one of the most beautiful smiles you have ever seen.

I remember Darren as a great Cribbage partner with a booming laugh and a sincere desire to make people happy.

As the memorial concluded all were invited to share food, wine, beer and yes of course, Jello shots. Our friend Darren left this world a better place.

Please keep the Barnes family in your highest thoughts and prayers as they begin to adjust to their changed lives. We must remember that the space between us disappears in prayer. God Bless you Darren.

                          Darren William Barnes
                  January 21, 1965 – May 11, 2011

Thank You Charlie Sheen

How many people have both entertained and thoroughly disgusted us? Viewing the disintegration of a celebrity is somehow affirming and disturbing at the same time. The excessively public downfall of Charlie Sheen stirs many things in me from pity, to compassion, to wonder.

I have met clients from all walks of life. Many  had been blessed with great financial abundance have been taken to their knees, broke and bankrupt, yet somehow, they manage to roll with it.

In the news we see major companies relying on the government to prop them up yet they are allowed to continue their lavish excess. Why the double standard?

Charlie Sheen is all about a double standard. He is the epitome of excess and moral bankruptcy. He seems to be the embodiment of all that is wrong with business, government and society.

Did his wealth create his entitlement, or was he first filled with it? Certainly there are many who are blessed with great wealth that are confronted with addiction, it is rampant. The addiction comes not only to substances, it comes to shopping, status, sex, and gambling. Most of us have personal experience or have witnessed friends or a family member crumble under the weight of chronic addiction. The difference of course is our pain is handled in private. Private interventions from caring friends and family that reach-out in desperation to support the loved one from the darkness back to the light.

The public spectacle Charlie Sheen has made of himself seems to be just cause to judge him. We can look at him and decide many things about what is wrong with him and what he "should" do, after all, he's putting himself out there proclaiming "Winning". Yes, we can do that. We can stand among those who feel no power in the direction of their lives. To stand in judgment is always, to stand as a victim.

Double standards stir anger, they are unfair. The double standard we allow for those with money and power is that they are eccentric and therefore are above the law.

Wouldn't it be incredible if the "law" we all followed were not only those enforced by police agencies, but by the one great spiritual law, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

If we were to view Charlie Sheen through the lens of "There but by the grace of God, go I", I believe that we might see that he is showing us a slice of ourselves that repulses us. We are quick to spot what is wrong in another and slow to acknowledge it within ourselves. This is pervasive from our "leaders" to the homeless person who scowls when we do not offer up our spare change.

Where do you stand? Is it possible that it is time,to take our own inventory? To bravely look at where we excuse ourselves from The Golden Rule, and with what justification?

As we witness the fall of a celebrity we affirm that excess and a life with no boundaries regularly lead to disaster. We have repeatedly allowed the "messiah" a pass, whether that "messiah" was an actor, wealthy businessman or politician. Why? Is it our lack of boundaries, or our lack or courage to stand up and say enough?

My "enough" came 17 years ago when all I could see in the mirror was someone looking for a reason that she was involved in substance abuse, looking for someone to blame. The desire to blame anyone but myself seared me, it was painful to wrestle with my conscience. Where had I gone? What had I fallen into? Hell. That's where I was, and I was not alone. I was married with 2 young children. Disgusted with myself and my own lack of boundaries and courage I began the climb up and out.

My downfall was small by public standards but it was horrific none the less. I was alone. No friends. My children and my mother were all who remained by my side, or so it felt. Alone was the appropriate place for me. In my solitude I allowed myself to review the multitude of opportunities I passed up to do the right thing. I looked in the mirror and over time found peace in my reflection. It was a painful and lonely process one which I vow to never repeat.

I had no groupies to tag along and make me feel important, I did not get a pass and I believe that was the greatest gift of all.

Let's not excuse or even partake in the entertainment of Charlie's downfall rather, let's pray that he may find the courage required to be there for his children. It is possible, it can happen. If we lose hope in one, we give up hope for all.

This historic time, where religious, political and social structures are being torn apart, is the opening for each of us to rebuild. If we rebuild on the fractured foundation of double standards and entitlement we are doomed to repeat history.

My prayer is that each of us choose to be honest with ourselves and rebuild on the sound foundation of the only rule that we truly need, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Grief.

 I recently spoke to a grandmother in Florida.  She could have been yours, mine, any ones but she wasn't.  She was Sean and Jessie's grandma. 

A month ago, on Sean's 19th birthday, these two children were killed with 2 of their friends in an automobile accident.  No, there were no drugs or alcohol involved. This was a solo car accident with sketchy details leaving the family reeling with a million unanswerable questions.

Grandma is suffering indescribable grief as you might expect.  The pain of losing those so young, with their whole lives ahead of them spins out of control.  Their mother can hardly function.  It never makes sense.
If we are to have faith and believe that everything occurs in divine right order, then this was somehow a part of destiny. 

The parents and grandmother visit the site of the accident, hoping for what?  Is it wrong she asked?  Of course not.  Where else would you go to find the feeling of your child?  Hoping I'm sure to find some clue, some shred of evidence that would explain how the tragedy occurred.

The questions of why they didn't come right home?  Where were they going?  What happened?  The information that came through was distinct and repetitive.  I felt myself driving at night and suddenly something darted in front of me - a momentary distraction that caused me to jerk the steering wheel to the right - sharp and fast!  I feel myself tumbling, upside down, loud noise followed by extreme silence. 
There is a particular silence that accompanies death.  I always feel that it is a universal prayer, a prayer of silence for the soul that now travels home.

I relayed the information to Grandma....  My heart of hearts prays that the reading I deliver will be helpful.  I see that these were very good children, brilliant athletes, well rounded young people with bright futures.  Their mother endured invitro fertilization to conceive them - and now, in the blink of an eye - these bright futures will never come to be.   God please bless these spirits that have come home.  Please bless the grieving family members searching for answers, for peace.  I repeat these words until it feels complete.
Grandma listens.  "So you think he was distracted then?"  ... somehow, it made something make sense.  It doesn't make it right, but it feels better than nothing.

Won't you join me in including this family in your prayers?  Thank you for reading, and thank you for your prayers. 

Fired up!

We are bombarded by media messages that we must depend on and surrender our personal authority to people in perceived positions of power.  I for one am tired of hearing news agencies declaring my powerlessness!   Don't tell me I will go hungry when the prices of food and gas are skyrocketing.  I am resourceful.  I will thrive.  Who gains power when we feel oppressed?  What oppresses us? 
To me feeling that I have no choice is oppression, well guess what?  We have choice in everything we think and do.  Choose to light your own fire!  Don't wait for news to come in through your TV that empowers you and changes your life, it isn't going to happen. 
Tune into the news of your soul.  Listen to what your gut tells you...get angry, use that powerful energy to propel you forward!  Take action on your own behalf!  This is what we are here for.  Let's make some noise!  Boycott gas stations, buy local, join your city council, whatever floats your boat, get involved. 
Remember these words: "If we always do what we have always done, we will always get what we have always gotten." 
Collective, conscious motion forward. It's time.  Won't you join me?

Blessings From A Beggar

I scrambled to dump the contents of my change purse into my hand and reached out the window of my car to place it into the grubby hand of the homeless man standing beside the freeway off ramp. His clothes and body were so tattered and worn he simply held a sign that said "Anything helps. God bless."
No reasons about why he was there, no story to grab my heart, just a simple message that is so true, anything helps.
I try to always make eye contact as a sign of respect in these encounters, respect that this is another human being experiencing their life in their own way. Upon meeting his gaze I was met with crystal clear blue eyes and a nearly toothless smile. He opened his rough and worn palm and accepted my small gift and surprised me when he squeezed my hand with both of his and said, "Thank you pretty lady, God bless you." He held my gaze for just long enough for me to understand that he was truly appreciative and I hoped that he knew I did not stand in judgment of him.

I felt so truly blessed, truly blessed by God.
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