Don't Quit Your Day Job

Two months ago I started a day job. Well technically yes, I did already have a day job but with over half my clients either out of work, bankrupt or losing their homes business was decidedly s l o w.

The preceding years of doing psychic readings had begun to wear on my spirit- though willing to continue to be busier seeing clients I cannot lie, there was a part of me saying...I need a break.

It may surprise you how many people come to me wanting to know when someone is going to die? Crazy stuff, broke my heart repeatedly to be asked this particular question. There was frequently a hint of ... "when will so and so die because I want/need my inheritance." Ewww, yeah, that's how it felt more times than I care to mention. Careful not to interfere with the proceedings of the soul in question and their own contract with God I generally deferred this question with a pat answer of "That is between them and God." I consider that to be none of any ones business.

Twenty years ago when I began studying the whole metaphysical realm I felt that giving readings would be an honor, I still feel that way. It is an honor to be invited into the intimate and most private realms of peoples lives. In all these years it amazes me that people trust me with their deep darkness, it is an honor, blessing and source of fuel to power my desire to keep going.

My spirit however, was experiencing overwhelm. How many parents of children who passed had I counseled? How many children lost their parents without emotional healing and closure? How many tragic automobile accidents, divorces, affairs, births, deaths, wins, losses have I witnessed thru clients? I have no clue but I did have a very real sense that I needed a break.

Synchronicity, my favorite bit of magic appeared last November with an email from my sister-in-law. Denise told me about her Financial Advisor needing an administrative person for the new office he was moving to. She told me that the whole time he was talking she kept seeing my face! Admittedly I was nervous at the prospect of leaving my clients and returning to a 9-5 job. I called the man immediately though worried about the immense change in lifestyle this opportunity presented.

We met December 23rd at the office in Larkspur. As I walked up the stairs to the office and looked down at the carpet I heard a little voice say, "You're going to be seeing a lot of this carpet."

The interview lasted an hour and I walked away knowing that it was a perfect match.
A few weeks later I was called back for a second interview again leaving knowing in my heart this was the place for me to be. Despite my fears of being gone from home more than I have been during my entire relationship with my husband, we both knew that our financial situation was in dire need of reinforcement! The job offer came and with great joy I realized that I had somehow beat the odds and gotten this gift of opportunity at a time when good jobs are at a premium. What a blessing.

The great and good fortune lies in the fact that I have continued to see as many clients as I was seeing but somehow, I do not feel the overwhelm and exhaustion. Somehow the addition of the job has rejuvenated my soul to continue to be of service both out in the world and in my private practice.

There is wonderful satisfaction at being a part of the world out there and still being welcomed by my clients to their inner world. So, as I ventured out with fear and trepidation at returning to work I realized that I did not have to quit my day job after all, it just switched places.

Staring down 50

Here it comes, whether I like it or not, 50...the big 5 0.

A couple of weeks ago I was getting a root canal, it was lovely. They had a monitor near my head with my personal information on it and my age said "49". Huh...that doesn't seem right and when I saw it on the screen it seemed way too old. I make no secret about it, I didn't like it.

As a younger version of myself I had visions of who and where I would be by this time.
Oh yes, I would probably be self-assured, successful and of course have buns of steal.
And this measure of success comes from what? I have no idea what 50 means other than half a century, 18,250 days on the planet, 438,000 hours alive?

What? 438,000 hours? That makes me wonder, if I were to take an accounting of how I spent those hours, would I be able to consider myself successful? Have I made good use of those many, many hours?

First I guess we would need to establish what success means. Success at 50 is a different animal than success at 40. By now our kids are getting fairly self-sufficient - we hope. How did I do with my children?

Good question, how did I do with my children? I guess we could ask them - I know that through my 2 decades of being Mom they have taught me how to be a better person; how to show up, why to show up, when to show up. Their training sounded something like this "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy...Julie!" Yes, they taught me to show up, bless their sweet little persistent hearts.

The inner realm of 50, my relationships, can I claim success?
In my lifetime I had established myself as the wise friend and consciously or unconsciously fostered dependency on me. As I zoom in on 50 I find an inexplicable willingness to restructure my relationships. When I wove myself in and through my peoples lives and made myself part of their structure I gave two messages.
The first was, "If you need me, and I am a part of your structure, then I must have value." Lovely. The second message was, "I do not trust you to figure your life out for yourself so I will insert myself here so that you do not fall." Double lovely.
Had I known at the time I was emitting these insecure and unfaithful messages would I have done it differently? Of course not, this was my manner of learning.

I find that today, 78 days before I surrender to my fifth decade on the planet I am willing to release those fragile perceptions that I was in control. There is a willingness in my heart to let go, let God. It's a ton of work to manage energy that you have no control over changing! There is a beauty in this surrender I am experiencing, the beauty that life can be a whole lot easier than I had constructed it to be.

So, staring down 50, am I successful? Is there any measure beyond the clarity and peace in my heart that decides this? Not for me. The success I claim is that I continue to be willing to look in to me, rather than out at you to determine if I measure up. Today, I feel that buns of steal or not, I am a success.

I'm Smiling At You!

Last Thursday morning I left for San Francisco to visit my dear friend Wendy who is in UCSF as a result of a level 4 aneurysm. This was to be my 5th visit and to be honest, my heart was heavy. While my previous 4 visits had not been bad - there had not been any change in her condition in 3 weeks. As I drove my mind wandered through every unresolved area of my life . huh . my self-assessment was not pretty.

Last week was strange, and not so much that I could put my finger on anything other than an overwhelming sense of endings - without the presence of hope for what is yet to come. This is a strange place for me to go mentally and spiritually. Those who know me know that I am the cheerleader - it is rare for me not to be able to spin
light into any given situation but driving to the city that day, I could not spin any light into my own heart.

So I drove and thought and prayed out loud. Out loud, without embarrassment or shame asking for help, praying for that ray of light to shine back in my heart - please before I get to the hospital!

The bridge was busy and a little chaotic, I always feel relieved to stop for a second to hand over my bridge fare. When I stopped and looked to hand over my money I was greeted by the sweetest face. An older Asian man who radiated warmth reached out to take my money and all at once I felt that light shine into my heart - there I was! That is me! With great relief I smiled at him and wished him a Merry Christmas, he had no idea what he had triggered in me, just by being him! He didn't do or say anything profound, he was simply there being himself. He seemed genuinely happy to have received my wish for a Merry Christmas and the circle was complete. I drove away amazed at the power of love.

A couple miles further I get to the tunnel heading to 19th Avenue and that voice, God bless that voice in my head, said to me, "That's all you have to do, is just bring you. Just show up and smile, that is your gift." Why, that is just too easy! Just smile? Just show up? Just show up and smile? I can do that! I get it now! My gift in the world is not what I do, it is who I am, wow.

Someone told me recently that love is not about effort, love is not a task. It is not about what you do or don't do, it simply is. Until that morning at the toll plaza I didn't fully understand how simple and beautiful that is. Just show up and smile. It made me realize that I have been working way to hard! Literally doing tasks that I felt earned me love, where did that come from? And you know, it doesn't matter where it came from. What matters is that I can now let it go.

I arrived at the hospital and was a little sad to see Wendy was still intabated, I had heard that was coming out the day before but no matter, she could open her eyes and obviously recognized me - YAY!!! Shortly after arriving the nurse came in to say they were going to remove the nasty breathing tube that had been in her throat for over 3 weeks! They told me I could come back in 20 minutes.

Twenty minutes later her 2 sisters had arrived with her niece. Wanda and Becki went in first to see Wendy without her tube. Shortly after Wanda came back to the waiting room concerned that Wendy said that she couldn't see her and didn't know her! What?
She wanted me to go in and see what I thought. I thought it was funny she would ask me rather than the nurse or doctor but OK! I walked into the room into Wendy's field of vision and said "Hi Honey! I'm here, it's Julie can you see me?" Guess what I got? The sweetest and most beautiful smile I have ever seen! Followed by tears of joy. My friend is awake, smiling, trying to sit-up, trying to talk. Bless her sweet heart and thank God. My heart soared with joy, with love and with gratitude.

Remember the most important part of your wardrobe, is your smile. I wish you many blessings of joy and love today and all days, and I am smiling at you. ;)

My coffee buddy Wendy

Last Monday I met my friend Wendy for coffee, much like we have been doing a couple of times a week for the last several weeks.

When I arrived I didn't even notice her sitting in her car a few cars over from me so I started to walk in. When I finally saw her she was trying to get out of her car though something wasn't quite right. She seemed flustered, like she couldn't pick up her purse, or get her jacket on or something. When she finally got out of the car she was distinctly not herself. I asked her if she was OK and she said "No, I'm really not. I've had this headache for the last 2 or 3 days, right here." She pointed to two specific spots on her head, one at the lower right in the back and one a couple of inches higher and toward the front. Her complexion was slightly ashen but her usual good spirit seemed to belie anything serious being wrong. She took a handful of Advil and by the time we parted company she seemed to be only slightly better.

Nine hours later I received a phone call from her sister explaining that Wendy had been down in Alameda having dinner with a friend and suffered what seemed to be a stroke though we have since learned it was an aneurysm. Tuesday morning surgery was performed to provide a drain for the blood in her brain, Wednesday surgery was performed to repair the aneurysm. Forgive me if this is incorrectly stated - this is just what I understood to be happening.

Wednesday afternoon Wendy was responsive, seemed to recognize auditory who was with her and acknowledged our presence. Since then, she has been mostly unresponsive.
Today she has a high fever. There is fear, worry, shock and sadness swirling around our hearts and minds, wrapped up in prayer.

Life can change in a heartbeat. Over the past several days I have been checking and rechecking my thoughts and interactions with important people in my life. Thankful I had given Wendy a hug upon parting - and too, it's not just the interactions with those close to us, it is the manner in which we interact with the world. The generosity with which we share our kindness matters, to everyone.

Thank you for all those who have asked and continue to ask about Wendy and her well being. Thank you for the generosity of your prayers for Wendy and her children Ryan and Anni. Wendy continues to be strong as that is her spirit. I believe the destiny of her soul is unknowable to us, however I hold faith that her destiny includes miracles and total healing and recovery. I believe in you Wendy and I love you my friend.

Riding the waves of transition

Does this sound familiar? When "xyz happens everything will be alright." Or, "when I get a job, quit a job, get married, get divorced..."the list goes on - and on doesn't it? What's a person to do? We all suffer and lament our lives equally.

I am no stranger to transition, in fact deal with it daily personally and professionally, I wanted to take a minute to acknowledge exactly what's going on during these period of great discomfort.

Somewhere along the line we made a request to God, the Universe, Gaia, fill in the blank. It may have sounded something like this "Dear God, please deliver me from this place of sadness and great despair to a place of happiness and joy. Thank you, amen." We quite possibly have uttered the prayer/request a million times over and over in our heads throughout our days.

Then from out of the blue (yeah right) we discover that marriage is fractured, we lose our job, end an unhealthy relationship and we act all surprised! Like, why is THIS happening? We accept this new information as a validation that life stinks
but WAIT! Isn't it possible that this new information has created the opening for you to be delivered from your place of sadness and great despair? To step up and out of the compost of life, gives us the nourishment we need,the opportunity we requested, to shift and grow!

Practice viewing challenge as opportunity. Consider accepting that you asked for this information to somehow support you in making the decision that will change your circumstances. Accept responsibility for where you are and then accept responsibility for changing where you are. Personal responsibility is ultimate freedom. In our acceptance of our life, as it is, we create space for empowerment to create a higher vibrational existence.

When your next transition begins to stir the pot of your life remember - somewhere you asked for this!

Keep the faith that this situation is not all for nothing. Have faith that this lesson is all for something amazing to transform you and your life.

Now that I hit the wall, what do I do?

Life brings opportunity for growth in the strangest way. Have you ever ventured to share your truth with the person closest to you, hoping to create an opening for productive conversation only to get smacked in the face with your significant others truth? And horror of horrors, it completely contradicts yours?

Is it possible to be in a long term relationship and really, really not know how your partner feels about you? Apparently, yes it is. This realization creates confusion,
disillusion and that opening you were seeking - but it looks WAY different than you expected doesn't it? I mean, here you're trying to have a heart to heart and what you get back is something more like a litany of everything that is wrong with YOU!

Wow, so you mean that your partner had been holding all these truths within themselves for all these years? Truths that say you are maybe a liar, or maybe manipulative? It boggles the mind to understand one another. We cannot then call our significant other a liar in return can we? After all, it is their truth and as real to them as ours are to us. This is where the question comes up then, now that I hit the wall, what do I do?

If what has been revealed is workable, and the wall can come down of course you owe it to yourselves to honor your history together and give that communication game another try. If what has been revealed dismantles the very foundation of what you believed you built your relationship on then it is time to pause and consider what is in the best interest for all concerned. As I said in my last post, "What are you doing in that relationship?" You may choose to take an evolved stance and understand that perhaps this union has reached the highest level of maturity and it is time to move on. Whatever you choose, take each step with dignity. Trust and know that whatever happens, this new opening brings the opportunity for expansion and greater love for all.

What are you doing in that relationship?

Do you even know? How long have you been in the place where you feel like you're happy but, what exactly does happy feel like again? Relationships are perhaps my favorite topic as they truly are, what we have in this world. Whether they are blissful, joyful connections or strenuous balancing acts they are the purpose of our desire to incarnate.

With incredible frequency clients have shown up for their readings wanting to know about their relationship - but wait, it's not their marriage or significant other,
no, it's this mysterious person that the Universe dropped onto their path that seems to have sparked something deep within that they had either never known or had forgotten.

I view these as soul connections, deep, ancient, abiding. Have you ever been introduced to someone that magnetizes you inexplicably? And no matter how you try to reason with yourself you cannot get them out of your mind? Even harder still, cannot get them out of your heart? Don't even want to try?

As we continue to evolve as a species we continue to raise the bar. What was good and nourishing has become ripe, perhaps over ripe. Like the apples that are falling from the tree in my yard, I see that the relationship they held and clung to with the tree has quite naturally and amicably come to a close. Could we be as organic as the tree and view our relationships in a similar light?

Monogamy is the ideal for most, but does being in a monogamous relationship guarantee that it will be forever? Is it realistic to expect to grow, expand and evolve in a relationship that was established when all you knew was how to give yourself away? Or before you could articulate the desires of your mature heart?
Tough but reasonable questions.

The introduction to these soul connections creates contrast in our thoughts, hearts and lives. Contrast is the teacher to help us learn what feels better. Is it really OK to feel this good? I believe that so many are receiving this teaching now because it is where the new bar has been set. These lessons do not come at some random period in your life without rhyme or reason, these are new opportunities to define or redefine your destiny. The point here is to choose to feel better, to generously allow yourself to receive. To generously allow yourself to recognize and validate the intuitive information that says this new person has invigorated your soul.

I know what you're thinking and no, I'm not saying compromise your integrity and hop into the sack with this newly found love! I am offering these words as encouragement to view where you are, honestly and without blame or shame. After reviewing, YOU decide if the tree you are cling to still provides you nourishment. Are you being provided nourishment that can feed you and fuel you to the next expanded level of who you are becoming? This contrast is designed to wake you up. If this has appeared in your life then you are indeed being called to re-view your world.

I can hear you saying, but...but...but...what will my family say? What will my friends say? What if it is true that my relationship is over and my destiny includes moving on...what will "they" say? Give the "they's" in your life a little credit.
I remember when I was exiting my first marriage, I was surprised where the support came from. People who know us and love us can see when we are unfulfilled or unhappy. I remember being surprised when someone said to me, "I wondered how long you would last."

Take this opportunity to be honest with yourself. Perhaps the mystery person will point you back into refueling your current relationship! Whatever the result, step out of judgment of yourself and your feelings and allow yourself flow in the direction of positive, life affirming relationships.